Wednesday, May 7

I am Irony Man

As you may have heard, Iron Man kicks serious ass. It's a great flick, standing above all others in the comic superhero pantheon — excepting only the phenomenal Batman Begins.

Iron Man and Batman Begins are both origin stories, exploring how an ordinary man can become, through sheer force of will, a superhero. Naturally I began to ask myself: shouldn't I be a superhero, too? After all, my smoldering good looks evoke constant, tiresome comparisons to Christian Bale (aka Bruce Wayne). And like Tony Stark, I'm happiest when eating endless amounts of both Burger King and bajingo. So maybe I do have the right, uh... what's that stuff?

Like most of my generation, I was raised largely by television. Of particularly formative import, for me, were the U.S. Armed Forces commercials that would run during Saturday morning cartoons; they showed inspiring heroes engaged in epic, Dungeons & Dragons-style adventures. Programmed thusly by years of government propaganda, I've always had a vague desire to Make A Difference — preferably via weaponry.

So I decided to undertake an in-depth analysis of my two favorite superhero movies, in the hope that they might reveal a blueprint for my own superhero origin story. Gradually, I learned that both movies do, in fact, contain a strategic roadmap to becoming a crime-fighter with superpowers. Here, then, are the results:

100% FOOLPROOF GUIDE TO BECOMING A SUPERHERO derived from Batman Begins and Iron Man
    Step 1. Playboy billionaire
    2. Angsty soldering
    3. Superhero.
It's that simple, you guys. Study this guide carefully, "work the steps" faithfully, and soon you too will be risking your life for millions of thankless Americans. Or you could just join the Marines.

I bet this is exactly how awesome things are, right now, in Iraq

1 comments [add yours!]:

Ezra said...

Is Batman really a superhero? The New York Court of Appeals defined a superhero as a fictional character "of unprecedented physical prowess dedicated to acts of derring-do in the public interest." (Thank you wikipedia!) Batman, while badass, does not possess unprecedented physical prowess. Neither are Iron Man, or the $6,000,000 Man.

Having seen spanky, and his alleged prowess, there's no way he can be construed to be a superhero. Unless angst were considered "physical prowess."