Monday, May 5

An open letter to spanky

Dear spanky

For well over a decade, we have known each other. We've laughed heartily. We've drank heavily. We've driven when maybe we shouldn't have. We've argued mightily.

But now I worry about you. Whence hath the man who defended my puking frame from the uber-sized bouncer? How can you, in good faith, and of sound mind and body, honestly go from this:

to this:

spanky, I held you in high esteem. Your taste in women has usually been impeccable. Tina Fey, Jessica Biel, Allison Stokke are great. I applaud your choices. But how, in God's name, does Hannah-Fuckin'-Montana melt your butter? Who's next?

Maybe all your hard work being the ring-leader of this outfit (of 1?) has caused too much stress. Maybe an embolism has popped in your brain. Maybe a mathematical equation will bring you to your senses.


Please, spanky. I hope beyond hope that you rekindle your appreciation of hot, which Miley Cyrus definitely is not. She's not like Harry-Ass's girlfriends (hippopotamic landmasses, though they were). But I worry that your new found crush will ultimately be realized. Which is unfortunate, as Dr. Brown just returned from the future -- your future. Dear God is it scary.

At least you'll maintain your ability to tan, Jerome. (Jungle love, Oh-ee-oh-ee-oh!)



4 comments [add yours!]:

spanky said...

Blasphemy. Britney was always very obviously 2-3 years away from being nasty trailer trash, even at her youngest and (it goes without saying, the one following the other) hottest.

Ezra said...

No, the blasphemer is you. Hannah Montana . . . You're embarrassing your father, Larry!

The new question is where Britney falls on the historical hotness scale. Definitely hotter than Elizabeth Berkley (aka Jessie Spano). Can't touch Alyssa Milano (aka hottie!) or Tiffani-Amber Thiessen.

Who are your favorites?

spanky said...

I seriously wouldn't put Britney, even at her best, in any top 100 list of Hollywood chicks. Even her warbling contemporaries Jessica Simpson, Hillary Duff, and (especially) Xtina all curbstomp her with vast margins to spare.

By the way, I like how an aside over IM gets turned into a Web post about me violating a 15yo. And by "like" I mean I'm mailing you anthrax.

Ezra said...

Jesus, spanky! You were talking about giving her your Rican juice. Are we going to split hairs here?

Britney not even in the top 100? Do I detect a smidgen of hyperbole? Are there even 100 famous high school (read: barely bleeding) girls to be lusted after?

I would think that any Top 100 She's-hot-&-I'm-a-Dirty-Old-Man List would start to dredge the bottom of the barrel, and include Dakota Fanning. Geesh!