Tuesday, May 27

Sports . . . Always the Teacher

As a decent American, I observed Memorial Day. What better way to honor the men and women who served our blessed country than to sit on my lazy ass and watch TV. As I sat and watched, I realized a few things:

  • God does weekday TV suck! If not for the NCAA Lacrosse championship and the Yankees-Orioles game, TV would have been absolutely devoid of value. Seriously, how can people sit at home and watch this shit? I'd rather clean out Larry Craig's stall at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport (jizz-mopper?) than be forced to watch it day in and day out. And you know these welfare fucks are watching TV because they sure as hell can't read, let alone learn to fuckin' type.
  • I'd never given Lacrosse a fair shake before. Syracuse and Johns Hopkins (!) faced off for all the proverbial marbles on Monday. It was back and forth action. Scoring is at a premium, there are some big hits. Strategy appears more ad hoc (i.e. Hockey or Basketball) rather than regimented (like Baseball or Football) It's an amalgam of Hockey and Basketball. All told, it's not a bad sport. I can understand why it has a following. What's not to like?
  • And by "like" I mean "watch half a game every year or so." I do not understand the fanatical following Lacrosse has. I mean, sure it's sponsored by companies entitled STX, or Warrior, or Brine, but, seriously, why all the love? On the entertainment scale, it fits in between Hurling and the NBA. Yet, you have kids insisting on walking around with these new-fangled Lacrosse sticks, "throwing" the lacrosse ball off walls, doors, cars, whatever. And all these kids develop a pretentious "I'm awesome and you suck" attitude, not unlike Red Sox fans. Come to think of it, many of the Lacrosse players I happened across in this wonderful journey called Life were from the Northeast. I want to shit in their cereal.
  • I hadn't appreciated just how deep my Syracuse hate runs. I have no vested interest in Johns Hopkins. Fuck if I care what happens to their only sports claim-to-fame. But I'll be damned if the Syracuse win didn't piss the hell out of me. God damn Syracuse! I dare say I hate Syracuse more than the Yankees.
  • But not as much a Paul O'Neill. Fuck Paul O'Neill. Fuck him in his ass. Fuck him in his ass with a flying penis.
  • At least men's Lacrosse look like Men. Women's "lacrosse" (not a sport), well, let's just say they appeal more to spanky's tastes than to mine own.
  • Finally, thank God for Baseball. Verily, a television oasis in a broadcast desert. The soothing rhythms of the game was a salve for my tortured soul.

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